"When you love someone, truly love them, you lay your heart open to them.  

You give them a part of yourself you give to no one else and you can let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt ---  you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul.

And when they do strike, it's crippling like having your heart carved out." 

adapted...

image courtesy of weheartit.com

 

"As I accept the seasons changing,
so too must I learn to accept the seasons of my heart.
My summer-heart stood in the sun and felt pain.
My autumn-heart retreated from the changing wind
and my winter-heart grows a protective coating.
It is healing, awaiting the spring.
I stand watch as the seasons unfold across the fields and so does my heart."

╭♥╯©Tina, Seasons of the Heart╭♥╯

 quote was taken from an FB page and image courtesy of weheartit.com

 

Stolen

You have stolen my heart,
Tiptoeing within its walls,

Threatening to overpower my will.

My heart, ever so vulnerable

Has been enraptured.

You have captured me

Danced our souls into one.

Merging such sweet rush of emotions

Giving in to you willingly.

But the timing isn't right.

The strands of Destiny are slowly winding away.

My fairy tale began and ended with,

"Once upon a Time"

(((asheil.september 1, 2011.thursday.1954 hrs.)))

 the poem is mine but copyright of the picture is reserved for its owner.

A love note: from me to you

A love at the wrong time.
All the words left unspoken.
Chances never taken.
If you are given the chance to turn the hands of time,
Would you have done differently?
And change fate.
But what if it never works out even after you did?
Would you rather have that one chance to know
Than spend your life wondering.........
 
                                 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today, you said it's final. You're getting married. What am I supposed to say? Tell you don't go ahead? What right do I have? You don't know I love you. And as much as I can tell you feel the same way, we never really said it out loud. Too many what ifs.... a thousand if onlys.. Nothing resolved. Ours is a love that won't get the light of day. It just cannot be.

I was weak kneed, too devastated by the news. I bit my lip to stop myself from trembling. As tears were threatening to fall down my cheeks, I can't make you wonder why. But they're burning my eyes. Part of me was happy for you but part of me just died upon hearing it. I lost all reasons to live. I was praying for strength to get through this. It took all I have not to blurt out "Don't. I love you.Why can't it be me?" 

Past conversations are coming back - an interloping snippets of memories one after the other. And with heavy heart, I realized memories are all I have now. Tucked into the secret corners of my being. That sacred space you hold. Only you.

I am not sure if I'll ever get over you. If only I told you what I feel, would we end up together? But reality stares me in the face. And though, I'm breaking up inside I have to keep a brave face. The time has come to unchain my heart from yours.

So maybe one day, you'll know what I felt for you. You'll take hold of this letter where all my pent up emotions are written. Just like a message in a bottle ---- lost at sea.

I love you. Until we meet again. This time, I won't let you go.

image courtesy of weheartit.

The Waiting Game

The radio is playing our song

The melody and the lines bring back memories.

Tears are falling freely, copiously.

Remind me of the times I spent with you.

Happy moments.

That was then.

This is me now.

Only the songs keep me company.

Replaying each vivid scenes.

Closing my eyes and see myself there with you again.

To find comfort.

But too many questions are left unanswered.

I doubt if they'll ever be answered.

This is fate churning in a sad tale.

I am waiting still.

(((asheil.august 21,2011.sunday.1900hrs.)))

Angels in Disguise

Right out of the blue, one ordinary day, I never imagined my life would change--not dramatically or something drastic but one that is so heartwarming and fulfilling.

I haven't got the faintest idea that by having a blog, sharing my insights and the poems I have written would also result to  me meeting people - those whose presence enriched me and who touched my life more than I ever thought possible.

I decided to start my blog last July.  Friends were urging me even before to have one but I felt I wasn't ready then. I thought having a blog would mean subjecting myself to scrutiny and sharing my private thoughts and emotions to the public would make me vulnerable. At that time, I felt I didn't have the right to have a blog - that I was a mediocre writer. I was hesitant, too afraid I would garner criticisms rather than positive feedback.

But now, several months after, I saw that the number of readership steadily grew. I was pinching myself, thinking I was just dreaming. And that the numbers were just a fluke. Because come to think of it, I ain't no Pulitzer writer. Just an ordinary person who happens to love writing. I didn't think people would relate to anything I posted.

And just this week, I met people -Radically strangers, so to speak. They stumbled upon my blog by accident or through a google page. But these people inspired me not to give up on writing. They said words way beyond what I thought. And it has humbled me to the very core.  

I am no seasoned writer. I don't even have the kind of experiences some people have. But I try to be truthful to all the posts I make. Truthful to the feelings and emotions. I try to see the world from their perspective. And to be as honest as I can possibly could to give justice to these emotions and experiences.

And most of all, today I give credit to these people whose words warmed my heart. Without them, I would never find the reason to be as inspired to write. I would have wanted to mention their names but I want to respect their privacy as well. But I hope that when they get to read this, they will know.

Thank you for coming into my life just as when I was having self doubts. You are all angels in disguise. 

And Thank You to those whose friendships mean the world to me. You are like a compass that points me to the right direction. A lighthouse that guides me to shore.

My deepest gratitude.

image courtesy of weheartit.com

 

I'm Sorry

I'm Sorry,
For the times you shed tears

And I wasn't there.

For the time you were heartbroken

And I couldn't put the pieces together.

I'm Sorry

That when you were screaming
I never heard you cry.

When all you ever wanted 

Was just a little faith and encouragement,

I refused to utter a single word

And opted for Silence.

I'm Sorry

That I looked away

When your eyes say,

"Hear my heart's plea."

But most of all,

I'm Sorry for Hurting You

BECAUSE I CHOSE TO LET GO.

((( asheil. june 20.2011.monday.1858hrs.)))

image courtesy of desktopnexxus

Me, You and I Forgive You

This is for all those who feel they've have enough of being used, taken for granted and unappreciated, be it with friends or a person one is romantically involved with. There comes a point in life when you just got to say, Enough is enough. And it's not about being rude; it's about saving yourself from a destructive situation that brings resentment.

Today, I resolved to make peace, make amends.

I don't wanna be tied to a foolish chain where I'm holding the losing end. 

It's time to make a brand new start. For myself. 

Break free from the never ending cycle of self deprecation.

It's time to set the boundaries between being nice and self preservation.

Because I don't want to look at my life and be livid by the things I've done to please you; forgetting my self-worth in the process. 

All the lies, the power you have over me, the endless expectation-- They all stop right here. 

And although I maybe the same Me  and you are the same You, the equation stops to read as "Me being here with you."

And in case you haven't got the drift, this is a breakaway from the "Me equals You" scenario. 

It's not even about Letting go, it's just about Me moving on without You.

This is my graceful exit. An overdue act of courage to save what is left of Respect; before any of us break each other apart beyond redemption.
 
I forgive you.  

But most of all, I forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me. Of which I though was beyond healing.

And that by this simple act of disengaging myself, I hope that you can forgive me too.

Finally, before I go, here's what I want you to know and hope that when you get to read this, you'll find it in you to understand and forgive me too.

To borrow an old saying and putting my own twist to it;

To err is human. To forgive is simply..... Liberating.

 

image courtesy of weheartit.com

Painted Dreams

I think of you

And everything stands still.

Dreams tucked under my pillow

But I couldn't find peace in my dreams.

The night goes by so slowly.

I am intoxicated by the mere mention of your name.

The wind brings in a bittersweet scent.

But I couldn't find peace in my dreams.

Why do I nurture such existence?

((( asheil.december 14.2011.wednesday.2110hrs.)))

My Parade of Lights ( My Little Own Diwali)

Up and down the lonely road I walked alone.

Only the light of the moon to guide my way.

Far away in the distance,
I can see the parade of Lights.

Floating on those whimsy boats by the bay.

Down the river, they cruise along.

Flimsy vessels of people's hopes.

That somewhere, somehow

They might come true.

Watching those little lights as I got near

I uttered a silent prayer:

"Let the flames burn forever,

Keep the Hopes alive 

Not only for this night."

As I sit by the river's edge,

There's a peace inside of me.

All is well in the world again. 

(((asheil.april 8,2011.friday.2041hrs.)))

 

If

These Eyes,

These eyes may as well be blind.

Unable to behold such beauty.

These Ears,

They are of no use

If they fail to hear the sound of distant rumblings within this heart.

These Hands,

These hands are superfluous.

If they cannot enfold you in thy embrace.

Ah, and these Lips,

What use are they?

If the words are barred from touching them.

Locked up in a cage of swirling emotions,

Unable to say what I really feel.

And I mused,

What good am I alive with all these Ifs?

((( asheil.august 19,2011.friday.1500hrs.)))

 

Reasons to Believe

To whom do you look forward to waking up each day?  What is the reason for your smile? Very simple questions that makes you pause and fumble for answers. 

Strange, ain't it that we go through our days with abandon.  All part of a routine: wake up, take a bath, eat, dress up, go to school or work, go home then sleep. 

In a world that's moving so fast, you remain frozen : at a standstill. Unable to cope with the changes. Like a square peg in a round hole. Totally mismatched. 

A dismal show of courage. When you experience turbulence in your life, it's hard to hold on to a sliver of hope. Hope is like a speck of light in the horizon, too far ahead to ever get hold of.

So you get on with life day to day.   And at some point, when you least expect it, everything crashes in on you. All the disappointments, the feeling of being powerless, buffeted by a wall of helplessness. It is quite staggering. And the scalding tears burns from the soul. 

When a person you know seems jaded, you don't know how to react nor the right things to say. How would you uplift someone who's made up their mind about certain things.

Says a local celebrity who just suffered a loss of a love one, "It's not only What We Eat but What's Eating us that matters." 
 

But getting through a loss, or disappointment differs from person to person. You can't just deliver a well-rehearsed speech on Positivity, blah, blah, blah expecting that everybody will react to the way you expect them to. We react differently. Some bounce back fast, some don't. It takes years to rebuild oneself.

It's a never ending battle with oneself.  To try to get past the negativity. The inner turmoil that boils within is hard to contain when you don't see any reason to go on. Or perhaps have people in your life that not only support you but understand where you're coming from because they've been there too. 

And you say, To whom do I look forward to each day? 

To everything that matters.  And if it's in abysmal state, then to Life itself. 

Spring Serenade

The first ray of light flirted with the curtains which were shifting with the soft breeze. The world slowly awakens. It's the first day of spring. Cool winds blow, birds are chirping and the sweet smell of grass wafts through like they do when they're freshly mowed. I snuggled deeper into the warm bed, wanting to savor the moment of utter bliss and contentment - briefly though it was. How I easily drift into melancholy I would never know nor feel the urge to know. We are who we are. 

So here I lay awake listening to the first stirrings of the new day. I am here yet not really here. Funny how your mind tricks you. Yawning, I hesitantly got out of bed, pulled out the chair from the side and sit by the window. Soft pats of rain beat the roof as though small pebbles are thrown on them. I welcome the distraction. Just the appropriate sound to break the silence. Not that I abhor Silence. I am mesmerized by it. Mystified even. It's like a lake, where ripples are created when you cast a stone or do something to break the stillness. But ripples are only on the surface. You never see what's under the water. That's how I look at Silence, did I tell you that? You can't fully fathom it, you only skim through it.  It makes or breaks you. It builds and yet it can also destroy depending on the depth to which you embrace it.

Well, anyway, while I listen to the rhythmic rainfall I fall into my habit of clasping and unclasping my hands which irritates me sometimes. I don't know why I do that or when I started doing it. Things happen I guess when you're too preoccupied with other mundane thoughts, you pick up annoying mannerisms. Some say, it could be another unconscious psychological condition, those things that you do to shield yourself from hurt or pain. Whatever.

I turned on my CD player. The usual perk me up song to start the day.  But I stayed glued on my seat, watching the scene before my eyes: the rain just before it hits the ground, each droplet like tiny prisms casting little rainbows, the leaves bowing to the weight of water as though showing it's strength, and the panorama -- faint ray of sunshine dabbed by soft rain. Such a magnificent phenomenon. Like a painting. Surreal but otherwise it touches you like nothing else would.

And like those days, where you just feel deep inside, by intuition, that everything may work out just right creeps on me. Like a budding flower about to welcome the change of season. Change can be scary but it's always there. And today I firmly resolve to be its friend.  Because I don't want to be faithless.

I close my eyes, relishing this moment of peace. Tapping my feet to the music. There's a lightness inside of me. A song in my heart begins to play.

My faith is restored.

((( asheil.october 21.2012.sunday.1925hrs.)))

Winter Sonata

How does a broken heart continue to hope?

How will I stop myself to dream of you

When my soul seek yours

The moment I arise.

 How can I not miss you

When the very thought of you 

Spirals me into a world

Where nothing exists but you and me.

How can I stop the heart from longing.

When the simple radiance of a song

Speaks your name even in my dreams.

Crashing my heart into tiny, million pieces.

And all through these sleepless nights,

I find misery sleeping by my side.

Such a sad, sad tale

When a heart that loves so real

Is nothing but a dying ember.

((( asheil.march 26,2012.monday.1239hrs.)))

 

Perhaps

Perhaps I spent too much time psychoanalyzing things,

What if, 

Could it be,

I wonder why,

Cosseted by too much for far too long.

Perhaps the mind is at odds with my heart,

Can one ever be too much nice?

Is there an expiration date to it?

Little did I know 

I coddle people to the point of suffocation.

Perhaps.

The human mind is one complex matter.

And the heart is oftentimes contradictory to it.

Is it right,

Is it true,

Can it bring me happiness.

 And if it doesn't satisfy the cravings 

Resentment creeps in, stealthily.

Anger set on fire.

Perhaps.

(((asheil.october 11.2012.thursday.1111hrs.)))

The Cradle Song

This one I wrote while I reminisce the days where I used to babysit my niece and nephews.

A gentle rocking movement,

And you immediately close your eyes.

I gather you close to me

And placed a soft kiss on your brow,

Humming all along

A soothing lullaby as I cradle you to sleep.

Off to a deep slumber

Your tiny fingers clutching my hand.

As if trying to say

You never want to let go of me.

The gentle caress of your tiny fist

Brings tears to my eyes

The voice breaks as I try to sing

My heart a wellspring of so much love for you.

Watching you peacefully asleep,

A song of promise came to me,

"Nothing's gonna harm you,

Not while I'm around."

(((asheil.june 25,2011.saturday.1222hrs.)))

 

 

Drowning

Perplexed

Trying to avert my mind off the questions.

Scantily clad Truths partially hidden behind a flimsy curtain of Defiance.

A meager attempt at Salvation.

How does one frame an Answer?

A gentle persuasion to save oneself.

From a searing pain crushing down on me

Swimming across a barren ocean

Clutching the dying embers.

Somebody save me,

I am drowning in my own tears.

((( asheil.august 24, 2011.wednesday.2043 hrs. )))

 

Lonely won't leave me Alone: a Satirical Monologue

Here's a journey into the realm of somebody else; delving into the myriads of thoughts running through someone who feels like there's another aspect of one's life where nobody dares to tread and nobody knows. So to anyone who reads this, I hope you can find the time to get to know the people you come across with or those that are close to. They might be hiding some real pain. And they don't know how to verbalize their suffering and the need to be heard not just suffer in silence. Blessed be to you. 


Here I lay in the dead of night dreading the coming of a new day. I take solace in the darkness, with all the secrets I keep. And yet, fears creep the moment the world embraces the dusk. What is the difference between night and day? Why are there things in the night that can never be as poignant during the day ? It's like I'm trapped in another realm; a contemptible place any sane person fears. And yet, I keep coming back. How did I end up self flagellating?

Uncertainty dangles in front of me. Is silence really a friend at moments like these? How do I silence the voices in my head? My heart begins to race; like staccato beats of disrupted musical succession--pure static noise. A constant hum of indecision.

The pain becomes unbearable that it renders me weak; debilitating to the core. Why is it that people can't see just how much pain I feel. Am I that guarded with my emotions? I have become an expert at masking out the grotesque side of me. How I ended being jaded in a life supposedly full of promise. They say Life is Hope. Why do I feel otherwise? Emptiness is like a vast meadow. You can get lost.  Nothing is more pathetic than a person trying so hard to portray a role; happiness is so far and in between. A tiny spark in a world of doom.  

All those so-called inspirational words are just million pieces of jumbled nonsense ; carelessly thrown in a heap. Useless. I so desperately want to shake off this feeling of worthlessness.  But I'm like standing on a threshold, where the door is unlocked. And yet, I can't begin to get myself to step inside. Standing still. Catatonic. Or could it be that the threshold is really a precipice? 

And this monotonous drone of sugar coated advices just irritates the hell out of me.  All I hear is constant babbling. Incessant words that are gibberish to me. They don't sink in. Like I'm wearing a fool-proof vest where nothing and no one can penetrate. And you, with your sweet attempt at pulling me out of this dungeon, you're really wasting your time. I smirk all the time. Imagining this clown performing in a makeshift stage all for my benefit yet can never elicit a tiny smile from this lone audience. 

Let's trade places then, shall we? Only then will you be able to understand the clinging hands of wretchedness that clutched my existence. Icy tentacles of loneliness holding me down.

Ain't it just sad that someone with so much promise can be so utterly blind; too detached from any emotions or cling on to something and believe that Life can turn around. If only I can give it a chance. Why can't I?

 

I have to gather my thoughts once again. Sweep and stack them under the inner linings of my mind where nobody has the key but me. 


For another day is dawning. And during the day, there is another version of me. 

images courtesy of weheartit.com

Label me What?

I just met this person recently.  And for all her financial stability, her social standing I never thought lies an insecure person. It's sad. Behind the facade of success, she's afraid to be left behind and that she feels inadequate. She can't step beyond the fears; unable to see just how lucky she is. And yet, you'll never be able to figure these out when you look at her. She's an object of envy for some; unable to see past beyond the superficial.

You look at a person and you form opinions based on the features, their gestures, the words they speak and sometimes by their nationality. First impressions. But do they really last? Sometimes, you wonder, how does the world see me? For one brief moment, you wished you have the ability to read anyone's mind to see how they perceive you. And if you could, would you be happy or ever ready for the things people see in you?  Or say about you.

Throughout our lives, we meet all sorts of people. Each one as different as night and day. Different strokes for different folks. What makes them tick? What are their pet peeves? What behooves them to do this and that? What moves you? What defines you? 

At the onset, we always put labels on people. It's like we put them in this and that category. Like a toy in a box complete with instructions. Little or nothing at all, could persuade us to change the dynamics of  this frail human tendency. 

Sometimes, we meet people that rub us the wrong way. You are irritated by the things they say and do. You can't explain it. There's something about them that resurrects the bad side in you---your very own Mr. Hyde personality.  But,  have you ever asked yourself, do I rub people the wrong way too?

I read somewhere that the things you hate from others are the reflection of the things that are in you, as well. Would you beg to disagree? Or does it bear a grain of truth. That deep down inside we are wired the same. It's only that society and other factors nurture us to react differently.

Inasmuch as we abhor being labeled or judged, we fall prey to the same malady. How we cringe at hearing how our friends or people in general say things about us that go against our own sensitivities. And yet, how easily we say and pass things about other people.Irony to the hilt. Sometimes, it's sad. Sometimes, upon deep contemplation, it can be a good thing. How? For one, you refrain from doing so, most times. And with conscious effort. Two, you whisper a sincere apology to those whom you feel you have slighted, directly and indirectly.Provided, of course, that you are willing to admit you have erred.

We are innately good. Nobody is born evil/bad. Call it a moment of weakness. An indiscretion from our goodness. Maybe the labels help us know people and for people to know us. But there's more to us than meets the eye. What we perceive is just a tiny facet of what lies beneath. Hardly do we fully grasp the wholeness by just seeing, or by the opinions we hold. 

People are gonna say things about you; whether justified or not.  Enough to turn your world into a frenzy. It is despicable. You become frantic; wanting to get to the bottom of things. Where have you gone wrong. Did you mess things up. You are distraught, wanting to please everyone. As if that's possible! But are you going to straighten them all up or are you just going to let it pass? Some battles are worth fighting for and some are just  a total waste of time.

How we love to downplay the reactions people do when slighted. But how tediously and overwrought with anxiety we turn ON the defensive mechanism button the moment the spotlight turns to us. Opinions rarely matter... Unless you give it the power to matter. to you!

For whom the bell tolls.  It tolls for everyone.

                                     image courtesy of weheartit.com

Just Like Heaven

First,  this isn't a review about Camp Sabros, their facilities and the amenities. Countless people have done that already. Even local TV and magazines have featured them.  This is a humble recount of a day with friends. To try to immortalize a bonding moment with words and pictures lest I'll be too senile to remember. Heaven forbid, though.

The details were finally confirmed and agreed to just on the afternoon of September 7, 2012. Just like that. A sudden impulse to go to an adventure. We've always been like that, not to plan too much ahead as it never does come into fruition.

6:30 am , Saturday, 8th September 2012

Jollibee Bajada

The original time of departure was at 5AM. But as the driver, Tatang, had a previous  driving assignment on the evening before, he came in a little later.  And off we go to start the almost an hour journey to Kapatagan, Digos, Davao del Sur.  

Destination: Camp Sabros

Mission: 850 meter zipline.

And as usual, just like second nature with us, the journey was filled with laughter, boisterous teasing, occasional break out into a song/s... Never mind if we're singing out of tune. It always makes the trip more fun.

8:30 AM

 And so we've arrived. The road going to Kapatagan is an interloping blend of rough and paved road, with just a minute distance for two vehicles. Roughly. Estimated at around 3,000 feet above sea level, the air has become crisp.  Temperatures dropped, and countless pine trees, wildflowers and a majestic view of Mt. Apo ( which has become shy when we arrived as it hid behind the clouds) adorn the panorama. A welcome sight for the eyes especially for us who were used to the concrete jungle, the city. And the air. I remember some people say about "clean air". This must be what they're referring to. Inhale. Inhale. Inhale. 

We had to leave the car on the roadside as it won't be able to traverse the road to the hill. We had to do it on foot. No pain, no gain. A 15-20 minute trek, which seemed like an eternity actually, what with all the countless stops to catch our breaths.  It had rained the night before, so the path is a little bit muddy and slippery. It wasn't that steep but not halfway to the hike, we were a little gasping for air, breathing heavily. Feeling lightheaded even. Unused to such activity, our legs were feeling the cramps. But the view going to the site was extremely magnificent. It was worth it. 

And finally, we've arrived at Camp Sabros. Nestled atop a hill of lush pine trees and greenery with a panoramic view of the highlands. When we left Davao City, it was sunny. But at this altitude, weather becomes unpredictable. It can rain almost anytime. The air is way too cool. And the clouds above were like cotton candies. Fluffy. Instinctively, I wanted to reach my hands out to the sky. My colleague quipped, we're only a dime away from heaven. Suddenly, fog enveloped the surroundings.

After donning the necessary safety gears,  harness and all, we started off on the 300++ meter zipline.  There are a number of zipline right in Davao City offering almost the same as Sabros.  But we wanted to experience it the Sabros way as to us, zipline came into our consciousness because of Sabros. Back then, faster than one can say Zipline, Sabros comes to mind.

We were made to lie horizontally.  We call it the Superman way.  Your hands are free to flap like an eagle’s wings. And off we go.  The zip lasts for about 30 seconds or more.  It may seem like a blur but you never miss out on the scenic vista. 

To go to the 3^rd tower where the 800++ meter was situated, you have to ride a vehicle down a steep, muddy and well, dangerous path as one wrong move by the driver and down the ravine you go.  It was exhilarating.  It’s like we’re on an off road adventure.  Super mix of adrenaline rush and fear rolled into one.

To sum it up, we went through all the rides and the cable lift. And just as we were going home, the fog again came in. 

Oh, did I happen to mention that after Sabros, we went on a side trip to Agong House. Oh well, that’s another story and calls for another time. 

google images