Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Forevermore-Echoes of the Heart (a vignette)

The bells on the door jingled. I looked up, an immaculately dressed gentleman walked in. I wondered what life he has. He seems so confident. He must be successful, career wise. I resumed looking at the table cloth; tracing my fingers on the pattern. It was four in the afternoon. There wasn't that much crowd in the diner. A slow, mournful song is played. One of those gut wrenching melodies that bleeds your heart. I peered outside, watching the passersby. It's so surreal. I am at a standstill and forces beyond me are moving. Like a movie scene. Outside of my periphery, everything is a blur. I shook my head to erase the images in my mind. Reminding myself this is the day where starts and endings should be faced. A baby cried on the table on my left. I heard the mother crooning, soothing the baby to stop crying. A chill run up my spine. And I nearly choke. If only there was someone.... And I corrected myself. Oh yes there was someone. Was

I snorted. I had to stifle a bitter cry, bit my lip and stared at nothing in particular.

"Are you okay?" you asked, jolting me back to reality.  I didn't catch everything you were saying. All this droning of excuses is just so exhausting. I stopped listening the moment you said, "It's not working. It's not your fault, it's mine".  Am I okay? Like hell I'm okay. But like all things in the world when it ceases to mean something to someone, I have to accept it. Funny about acceptance. There's just too much arguments going on inside one's head, it's like a mini courtroom. You're the plaintiff, the accused, judge, the jury and the executioner. It's a dulling sensation, you never fully fathom its depths. You're just numb. Not that I blame you though. There were signs everywhere. I just refused to see them. I created this rosy-colored bubble. I did not realized how vulnerable it was.

How is it that I wanted to cry but no tears came? Such a deplorable feeling. I wanted to scream, slap you and ask the ever-profound WHY but I just clenched my fist to stop myself from shaking. Confrontation was never really my strong suit. Silence. Confounded silence. That, I'm very good at. 

I suddenly stood up, surprising you. I didn't even bother to glance back. Just walked out the door. The air outside was crisp. An old man, sitting on a bench,  was reading the day's paper. He didn't even bother to look up when I passed by. Lost in his own world. People got on with their lives. I wonder what people say when they look at me.

 I'm accustomed to pain, what's another hurt? Another betrayal of Trust. And there's the rub. Trust that has been broken. More than the emotional upheaval raging inside, this carries the heaviest weight.  And yet this time, I want to dissociate myself so I can believe it's not real. An idyllic setting. Such a quaint illusion I compelled myself to conjure.

Often, you stress yourself too much on theories how things should turn out. But then Life happens. And you're alone, defenseless. Crap! Just a bunch of crap. You're sucked up in that revolting feeling; thrust into a situation you'd rather run from. How I wish each of us has a switch we carry with us. Switching Off in times like these. or a strike out button--deleting these awful scenarios. But it doesn't work that way. Like a boxer, you have to take the punches on your own. Left jab, right hook, upper cut. Sometimes a headbutt. Bloody hell. You're inside the ring, oblivious to the crowd, shadow boxing with your demons. Nothing left to show but a bruised face and a broken spirit. Fallen. Hah. Just great!

I am not sure if I can Trust again or open myself to believe.  I'm thinking I've done too much damage to my heart. This might just be it. The final buzzer has sounded. The last straw. I'm beat. Lock it, throw away the key. Got to make myself numb. ha-ha

And yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, something keeps nagging. "Yep, your heart sure is broken. But it still works." 

I shake my head, chuckling involuntarily. I must be mad, talking to myself on the sidewalk. I turned on the corner and my eye caught the traffic light. It was a green, signalling Go.

Something in the air seems to whisper, "It's just about time."



A lasting impression
Like a scenery too vivid.
Its clarity unmistakable,
How glorious the colors,
How I can almost touch its lofty existence
Whirling like a storm inside my mind.

But nobody is in it,
Not me nor you.
Only the imprint of what was been.
Images darting so swiftly,
Fading with each passing of time.

That part of my life is gone.

((( asheil.october 4.2011.tuesday.2115hrs.)))


Tuesday, 12 March 2013


Hush, hush
Hush the rising crescendo.

The city of Ashes
lls beneath the angel's feet.

A scalding sensation grips one's soul.
A gathering of pent up emotions
Laden in a Siren's song.

A swift pullout of Impulse.

I chose to be on the side of me.

As the song of the sparrow
Is finally heard by the lark.

((( asheil. august. 12.2011.friday.1745hrs.)))


Thursday, 7 March 2013

Cancion de Amor

Tomorrow, you are leaving again.
Like the sand inside the hourglass,
I feel the moments slipping by.
I try to capture each sensation,
Wanting to freeze the moments.

And then, our song is played.
Every line unfurling the sweetest waves.
The familiar strain a never ending serenade
To a heart that will be waiting.

So I close my eyes,
The melodies take me back in time.
To sweet caresses,
Feather soft kisses,
And gentle whispers.
Two souls swaying to the refrain
Sharing one destiny.

The heart skips a beat,
Hammering inside my chest.
Pounding rhythmically.

I gently pulled you close,
Hum the words softly.
Cause this is a love song,

Cancion de amor para ti.

~asheil.march 21.2012.thursday.0947hrs.~

Saturday, 2 March 2013


I'm falling into pieces
The rush of emotions left me in a daze
I'm hanging on a balance.

I die a little each day
With just your memories
I am not quite myself
I wonder if I'll ever be me again
When there's no You.

I tried so hard to speak
But the silence is overwhelming
Somehow I am more content to bask in its presence
Than lose myself in words
That don't mean a thing.
Not anymore.

I blanket myself in darkness.
Though there's a blue sky up above
Choking my soul
Tearing me up inside.

'Cause though I dreamed of a Happy Ending
Life handed me a Tragedy instead

And this is my Lovestory.

 (((asheil.nov. 26.2011.saturday.2012hrs.)))

NOTE: this poem I wrote after I read Ravinder Singh's novel entitled I Too Had a Love Story